


in flesh and blood and self-hate

by strongbut



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Percy suddenly experiences the full spectrum of emotion and doesn't know how to handle it, Vax and Percy were sleeping together the entire time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 19:56:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13597224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strongbut/pseuds/strongbut
Summary: With Orthax gone, Percy begins to have some very disquieting feelings about Vax. If only Vax wasn't hung up on Keyleth.





	in flesh and blood and self-hate

It isn’t that Percy doesn’t appreciate Vax’s particular skillset, gods no. Without Vax’ilan’s quick-thinking and truly terrifying talent with a dagger, Vox Machina would have been massacred a dozen times over. He is an essential, necessary member of the team, and one of Percy's closest (and only) friends. He is also extremely aggravating.

For example: every so often Percy would like to sit quietly with a cup of tea and a book. Not always, mind you— he is learning the value of social interaction with peers his own age. But every so often, he finds himself itching for a few hours' peace and quiet. He had planned for just one such evening, which he thinks he deserves after weeks of dealing with his family's murderers and then a forced exorcism. That sort of thing really takes it out of you.

So he'd settled down in his favorite armchair in his favorite corner of the Whitestone library, which despite all that happened, still smells the way it did when he was fifteen. Like mouldy paper and blocked chimneys. A good smell, all things considered. He'd opened his old copy of _The Adventures of Britomart_ , his father's dedication still inscribed on the title page: "To my dearest Percival, on his twelfth birthday, with much affection..."

And just when he'd gotten to the best part, where Britomart defeats the evil Busirane with her magic spear, a familiar voice whispered in his ear, breath hot against his neck.

"Hey Freddy, whatcha reading?"

And Percy thinks in that moment that no matter how many times Vax might have saved his life, he'd give it all up for an hour's privacy.

"Don't you have someone else to bother?" He snaps, slamming the book shut. Vax, wholly unperturbed, skulks forward and collapses backwards into the armchair across from Percy.

"It's boring here," Vax says.

"Yes, well. We killed all the zombie giants, I'm afraid."

" _Exactly._ Where's the fun in a city with no zombie giants?"

Percy throughly disapproves of this sort of humor directed at his recently reconquered home and yet finds himself smiling. Maybe it's the way Vax says it, all theatre and melodrama, raising his voice on the last syllable in a decent approximation of despair.

"I thought you were helping with the rebuilding," Percy says lightly, and he tries to slip the book into his coat. He has a vague sense of shame at Vax finding him with a children's storybook. He'd like Vax to picture him as the reader of very serious scientific treatises.

No such luck. Vax's eyes widen at Percy's attempt at stealth. "Is that Scanlan's? Or did you find Sylas's private stash?"

"It's not pornographic," Percy grumbles. "Don't get excited, it's just a novel."

"There are pornographic novels," Vax points out.

"Yes but this isn't one of them."

They glare at each other, then Vax sits up as if to leave but at the last moment darts forward and pulls the book from inside Percy's jacket. Percy gives a very undignified yelp.

"Ooooh, what have we here?" Vax cooes, flipping through the pages. "My, my. _'The pure-of-soul Britomart swung at Busirane with all her might, giving a ferocious cry in her loud, clear voice.'_ This is riveting stuff, Freddy."

"Oh shut up."

Vax grins and tosses the book back to Percy, who catches it (barely). "My favorite's Artegal, champion of justice and mercy."

There's something almost profane in Vax'ildan speaking of Britomart and Artegal, beings who by right belong to Mother and Father and the withered old nanny who extrapolated on their adventures whenever Percy couldn't sleep. An uncomfortable mixing of two worlds. Percy hugs the book to his chest and looks at his shoes.

"You don't strike me as much of a reader."

"I'm not." It was said simply and without apology, just a shrug and a wink. "But Vex is, and she used to practice by reading out loud. She had a hard time learning her letters at first."

"So did I. It wasn't until I was eight or nine when one of my tutors noticed that I squinted at the blackboard. Then a healer made me these—" He taps on the edge of his spectacles. "—and I had a miraculous turn-around. Turns out I wasn't an idiot after-all."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, Freddy." But Vax is smiling, a genuine unguarded smile that shows his teeth. It makes Percy's stomach gurgle and his heart pound all at once. He tries to push the feelings back, thinks desperately to rumors of a bad 'flu going around. It doesn't work. He glances at Vax's smile for a second time and is hit with the same burst of giddy agony.

"Well, I'd like to finish my book now," Percy says. He tries not to meet Vax's eyes. "Britomart still hasn't rescued Amoret from her tower and I'd like to make it to the jousting by supper."

"I liked the jousting," Vax says. He doesn't move. Percy extends a leg and gently kicks at his thigh. No movement, just a single raised eyebrow. Percy retreats.

"Can I help you? Did you get lost on your way to the bathroom? Do you need directions?"

"Can't a man stare intently at another man on his afternoon off?" Something about the way Vax enunciates 'man' makes goosebumps erupt all over Percy's arms and neck.

"It's a little disquieting, yes."

Vax narrows his eyes slightly. "Do I disquiet you, Percival?"

There it is. Completely unmistakable. Sickness might account for the vague buzzing in Percy's ears but certainly not the surge of blood to his cock. He is not as familiar with that particular physical sensation as, for example Grog, but he knows enough to connect the dots. Vax's ridiculous, obnoxious face and. Well. _That_.

Percy crosses his legs. "I don't know that it's you in particular. I think any person who made it a point of staring at me during my recreation would have an equally disquieting effect."

"I'm offended. I thought what we had was special," Vax says, drawing out his lower lip in an exaggerated pout that makes Percy want to know what the inside of his mouth tastes like and _oh gods, not more, it's going to be obvious soon_. But if Vax notices Percy's discomfort, he is blessedly unresponsive.

"I thought you were singlehandedly restarting Whitestone's economy. You can't be finished already."

At this forceful reckoning with his obligations, Vax's face falls and his shoulders slump. Percy feels a stab of guilt? Desire to comfort? Something. He feels it right under his sternum, heavy.

"Kiki rejected me," Vax says. It's such a departure from his usual teasing that it takes a few moments for Percy to grasp the enormity of not only the statement but that Vax said it out loud, to Percy. He softens in every way one can. He wants to hug Keyleth and also lecture her because how could anyone reject Vax when he makes that face, that awful kicked puppy face that makes Percy want to scoop him up into his arms?

"I'm sorry," Percy says, because it's true. Vax begins chewing on his knuckles.

"There are, uh, other Ashari in the forest," Percy says. This earns him one wry smile.

"I don't want anyone else. This isn't like missing out on a dance with the barmaid you've had your eye on. I can't dust myself off and find a replacement." Once again, the vulnerability of this admittance doesn't register immediately. When it does, Percy feels oddly choked. He uncrosses his legs and bites the inside of his lip.

"I'm sorry," he says, sounding stupid even to himself.

"Don't be," Vax says. "'S ridiculous. I don't know what I thought would happen if I told you. Even that big brain of yours can't fix this sort of thing, can it?" And he flashes a rueful smile and Percy wants to scream that _yes yes yes yes, I can fix it, please let me try and fix it_. The burst of emotion is jarring. He isn't used to such surges of affection, of want. He wonders vaguely if this sudden attraction has something to do with Orthax, if his new freedom to simply feel and think whatever he likes has made him overeager and Vax is just the convenient receptacle for five years of emotional constipation.

He looks at Vax and a voice in his head, gentle but insistent, says _no_. It is nothing like hearing Orthax's voice. He is not frightened of it but he is wary. He doesn't want to be beholden to any voices, even organic ones. He doesn't want to follow the whims of anything, even those of his own body.

"Well," he says. "Please let me know if you think of a way I can help." Then, forceful and feeling a bit like one does halfway through vomiting: "You are completely obnoxious, Vax, but you are a lovely person despite that. You deserve happiness with someone, if not with Keyleth then..." A lopsided shrug. "Someone will see how very lovely you are."

Vax gnaws harder at his knuckles and the tips of his ears turn a very light shade of pink. "That was a very kind thing to say, Freddy. You are a very kind person, do you know that?"

"I don't know that a few nice words weighs very much against... murder and all that." It's meant to be humorous but Vax looks stricken and uncurls himself from the armchair, leaning forward and mussing Percy's hair. Percy feels all the blood in his body rush up to the spot on his head that Vax touched.

"It means a great deal to me, alright? Not everything has to be a great moral judgement. You were kind to me just now and I appreciate it. Can't that stand on its own?" He is staring at Percy's face and Percy feels claustrophobic, completely trapped under that penetrating gaze, looking up into his brain and pulling him apart.

"Please," Percy says. It comes out a bit more choked than he anticipates.

"Oh Freddy," Vax says, and then his mouth is on Percy's cheek and Percy thinks he might faint by how fast all the blood in his body moves from the top of his head to the tip of his cock. He pushes Vax away with difficulty.

"Please, I'm not in the mood to be cosseted," Percy cries. Vax blinks twice.

"I didn't-- I was trying to... What's wrong?" How quickly Vax is able to rip apart his bullshit and press his finger on the truth of it. Like Pike, holding her hands over his body and sensing the sore parts. Vax knows all of his sore parts.

"Nothing's wrong," Percy says with forced gruffness. "You just attacked me."

"You've never had a problem with me kissing you before."

_Yes, well that was when I was partially possessed by a demonic entity who numbed my ability to feel anything that wasn't all-encompassing rage._

"It was just unexpected, that's all."

"Should I ask next time? So you can expect it?" Maybe Vax is laughing at him but Percy won't look him in the face to find out. He examines his hands.

"Yes."

"Well then. May I kiss you?"

Percy forgets his refusal to look Vax in the face. Vax is smiling very softly; it's really less of a smile and more a vague curling of the sides of his mouth.

"Yes."

This time Vax gives up the ghost of a fraternal peck on the cheek and, edging his mouth closer and closer to Percy's. Percy feels as his body seemingly explodes under the impact, his heart pounding and his breathing uneven and heavy and his belly gone floppy and his legs absolutely useless. He is useless. He is a mass of sensations all focused on his damned trousers, all radiating from that one spot.

And in spite of the confusion and shame, he finds that he is kissing Vax back. It's not his first kiss with Vax but it feels new and thrilling and a bit like watching a bomb go off. Kissing Vax without Orthax looking over their shoulders is like shooting a gun with the sudden addition of black powder: suddenly its uses and applications make a lot more sense.

He owes Grog and Scanlan an apology; their whoring seems wholly reasonable in light of the absolute fucking joy one can apparently receive just from a few kisses. Vax is gentle as always and Percy finds himself reaching up his shirt, trying to feel every part of his chest. Vax has really marvelous nipples. How did Percy not notice them before? How did he not fall into pieces at the way Vax positively purrs with a little additional force? Percy pulls Vax onto his lap and squeals at the slight pressure of Vax's knee against his groin. He hasn't been this hard in years and years, maybe not ever. Maybe when he was sixteen and covered in pimples and in love with anyone who looked twice at him but not since then. Not since he began kissing Vax.

"Freddy. Freddy. Percival."

With a squelching noise, Vax pulls Percy's mouth off his neck. Percy squirms in his seat.

"I shouldn't have... Look, I know we aren't serious and this doesn't..." He waves a hand to encompass Percy, shirt half-unbuttoned, panting like a racehorse, erection straining through his trousers. "...This doesn't mean anything. I just, it doesn't feel right. Not with everything going on with Keyleth."

Percy feels a bit like he's been slapped in the face. There's the same sting and momentary confusion, coalescing into a dull pain.

"Oh. I see. I understand."

"I'm sorry, Percival. You're delightful in bed, really, and maybe when I get my head on straight... Who knows, maybe you'll have someone else by then." This with a little wink, all charming and smooth, and Percy both hates and loves Vax. Except mostly he wants to touch himself to release the unbearable tension in his balls and then he thinks he might want to cry for a bit.

"You love her, alright? I understand, and I want you to be happy with her. This is just playing. It's roughhousing. You shouldn't apologize for not wanting to play around." Percy doesn't know where this speech comes from but he says it without hesitation and even claps Vax on the shoulder to emphasize just how okay he really is.

"You're a good man, Freddy," Vax says. And Percy wants to believe him. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is supposed to take place right after episode 36, just before the gang leaves whitestone after defeating the briarwoods. the title is from "settle for me," a great song from the first season of crazy ex-girlfriend. please watch the music video and imagine percy tap-dancing and singing about his unrequited feelings for vax.
> 
> another important supplemental material is that scene from it's always sunny in philadelphia when dennis is like, "i've started to have feelings again, just like a little kid! you remember feelings, right?" 
> 
> britomart & co. are respectfully borrowed from spenser's "the faerie queene," because i like the idea of babypercy getting really excited about a lady knight. 
> 
> comments are always appreciated!


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